THE MENTAL STRUGGLE

TO UNDERSTAND THIS BLOG I'M GOIN TO LET YOU INTO THE INNER MOST PART OF MY MIND. THE HARDEST PART FOR ME IS NOT NECESSARILY THE PHYSICAL STRUGGLES, IT'S THE MENTAL AND LATELY THEY HAVE BEEN BATTLING MY INNER DEMONS. LET ME EXPLAIN. SEE WHEN MY LOVE LEE DIED, I FELT HIM WITH ME. THROUGH A BRUSH ACROSS MY FACE OR A DREAM THAT LET ME KNOW HE WAS STILL WITH ME. MY FAVORATE WAS WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH THE DEPRESSION I FELT LIKE A PRESSURE GOIN UP AND DOWN MY BACK LIKE SOMEONE WAS RUBBING IT, AND I KNEW IT WAS HIM BECAUSE WHENEVER I WAS FEELING BAD OR DOWN HE USED TO ALWAYS RUB MY BACK THE SAME EXACT WAY. NOW I KNOW THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY TO SOME PEOPLE BUT TO ME I HOLD ON TO EVERY LITTLE THING THAT SHOWS ME HES WITH ME. BUT LATELY I DON'T FEEL LIKE HES WITH ME ANYMORE. IT'S LIKE IM REACHING FOR HIM AND HES NOT THERE. TO BE HONEST I THINK APART OF ME IS STILL IN DENIAL. SOMETIMES WHEN I WAKE UP I FORGET THAT HES NOT HERE ANYMORE AND THAT WE JUST HAVEN'T SPOKEN IN A FEW DAYS. AND THEN WHEN I REMEMBER HES GONE I FEEL LIKE SOMEONES CHOKING ME LIKE I CAN'T BREATH, AND THE DEPRESSION COMES BACK THIS CONSTANT SADNESS LIKE WHATS THE POINT OF BREATHING. AND I REALLY WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT IT BUT ITS HARD FOR ME TO OPEN UP ABOUT HOW I'M FEELING? HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN TO SOMEONE ABOUT YOUR INNER STRUGGLE? NOW LET ME BRING YOU TO THE PRESENT WEEK. I HAVE BEEN HAVING HORRIBLE NIGHTMARES THAT I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO SHAKE. I'VE HAD A FEW WHERE LEE'S STILL ALIVE AND WE JUST HAVENT TALKED BUT WHEN WE TALK HES COLD AND DISTANT AND THEN HE GOES MISSING AND IT FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS BREAKING AS I TRY SEARCHING EVERYWHERE TO FIND HIM. AND ALWAYS HES MISSING AND IM CRYING AND IM SO HURT AND DEVASTATED LIKE MY WORLD IS FALLING APART. BUT AS HARD AS IT IS I CAN DEAL WITH THOSE DREAMS. THE ONES THAT MAKE ME SO DEPRESSED ARE THE REOCCURING NIGHTMARES OF THAT NIGHT WALKING IN OUR BEDROOM ALL THE BLOOD PIECES OF HIS BRAIN ON THE BED ON THE WALLS HIM JUST LYING THERE HELPLESS AND I KEEP THINKING HES GOIN TO WAKE UP, THIS CAN'T BE REAL. I WAKE UP EVERYTIME WITH SWEAT DRIPPING OFF OF ME. IF IT WASN'T TRAUMATIC ENOUGH TO SEE IT IN PERSON TO COME HOME TO IT AND WITNESS IT, BUT TO HAVE TO RELIVE THAT EXPERIENCE OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN YOUR DREAMS JUST KILLS ME INSIDE, IT HURTS MORE THEN ANYONE CAN IMAGINE. IT'S LIKE TAKING THE WORST THING IN YOUR LIFE TO EVER HAPPEN TO YOU AND BEING CONSTANTLY REMINDED DAY AFTER DAY. I CAN'T EVEN PUT INTO WORDS HOW BAD IT HURTS ME, BUT ITS HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT SO I'M WRITING IT OUT. FINDING ANYWAY OF COPING FOR MY SANITY FOR MY PEACE OF MIND BUT MOST OF ALL FOR MY LIFE. I JUST WISH I COULD TALK TO HIM ONE LAST TIME. I LONG TO HEAR HIS VOICE TOUCH HIM ONE LAST TIME. WELL IM DRAGGING ON BUT SINCE ITS HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT IT TO ANYONE I'M WRITING IT HOPING THAT ONE DAY IT WILL HEAL AND THE NIGHTMARES WILL STOP. AND THATS WHATS GOING ON IN THE INNER MOST PART OF MY MIND.

FAMILY TIES

WHAT CAN I SAY FAMILY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE LONG AFTER MOST OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE COME IN AND OUT OF YOUR LIFE. YOU RELY ON THEM TO GET YOU THROUGH THE HARDEST TIMES IN YOUR LIFE. MY FAMILY IS ONE OF A KIND. YEAH WE MAY BE DISFUNCTIONAL AND CERTIFIED CRAZY BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT WE HAVE EACH OTHERS BACK AND NO MATTER WHAT WE ARE ALL GOING THROUGH WITH MY FAMILY YOU WILL NEVER GO THROUGH IT ALONE. THERES ALWAYS SOMEONE THERE WITH WISDOM EITHER BEEN THERE DONE THAT OR HAS HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE. SEE ME AND MY SISTER ERIN FOR THE LONGEST WERE THE WORST OF ENEMIES, WE WERE IN FIGHTS EVERY OTHER DAY SHE DID HER THING AND IT WAS ALWAYS SOMEGTHING WE WOULD CLASH ABOUT. BUT LIKE I SAID BEFORE NO MATTER HOW BAD IT WAS I COULD ALWAYS RELY ON HER WHEN SOMEONE FUCKED WITH ME OR VICE VERSA. IVE COME TO RELIEZE SHES THE FIGHTER OF THE FAMILY, SHE WILL ALWAYS STAND UP FOR EVERY ONE OF US WHEN EVER SOMEONE HURTS US. SHE IS THE TYPE THAT HAS TO LEARN IT HARD BY DOING IT, EXPERIENCING IT. THEN THERES MY BROTHER BJ, HES LIKE AN OUTCAST OF THE FAMILY , BUT NOT IN SUCH A BAD WAY HE JUST IS INDEPENDENT DOES HIS OWN THING, FINDS A WAY ON HIS OWN TO DO THINGS, BUT WHEN WE NEED SOMEONE HES THE FIRST CAR THERE TO PICK YOU UP AND MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHINGS OK. HE WILL BE THERE AT THE DROP OF A DIME WHEN YOU NEED HIM MOST. THEN THERES MY COUSIN TRACEY SHES THE MOTHER OF OUR GROUP, THE OLDEST AND WISEST. SHES ALWAYS THERE TO PUT US IN OUR PLACE LET US KNOW WHAT WERE DOING WRONG AND GIVING US ADVICE ON HOW TO FIX IT. WE RELY ON HER TO PUT US BACK ON THE TRACK WHEN WEVD DRIFTED OFF COURSE. SHES STERN BUT CARING WHEN IT COMES TO US, THEN LAST BUT LEAST THERES MY COUSIN MIKE WE CALL HIM THE HEART OF THE FAMILY. LIFE DEALS HIM THE SHITIEST HANDS BUT HE CAN STILL MAKE A WINNING HAND OUT OF THEM. HE IS WHO WE RELY ON TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH LIFES TROUBLES AND WE RELY ON HIM FOR HIS INCITE ON HOW TO DO IT. IN MY EYES HES ONE OF THE STRONGEST OF OUR FAMILY ANOTHER BEEN THERE DONE THAT, BUT MOST OF ALL HE HELPS US FIND OURSELVES POINT US IN WHAT DIRECTION WE SHOULD BE GOING BECAUSE CHANCES ARE IF WERE GOING THE WRONG WAY HES ALREADY TAKEN THAT ROUTE AND WILL GUIDE US BACK THE RIGHT WAY. HES THE ONE THAT WHEN SHIT GETS REAL ROUGH AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE, WE CALL HIM. HES A LISTNER AND THAT’S IMPORTANT FOR OUR FAMILY. AND THEN THERES ME THE BACKBONE OF THE FAMILY, THEY SAY IM THE STRONGEST BUT I STILL RELY ON ALL OF THEM TO REMIND ME HOW. SEE IVE DEALT WITH THE HEART PARTS OF LIFE MORE THEN ANYONE IN ONE LIFETIME WILL EVER GO THROUGH, BUT I GUESS IN A WAY WHAT MAKES ME STRONG IS THAT I’M STILL HERE FIGHTING. LIFE HAS HANDED ME PHYSICAL AND MENTAL SCARS BUT I JUST CALL THEM MY BATTLE WOUNDS. I LOOK AT IT AND REALIZE GOD KEEP ME HERE FOR A REASON, WHAT THAT REASON IS I’M STILL NOT SURE BUT HES GOT SOME BIGGER PURPOSE FOR ME. I’M BEGINNING TO REALIZE IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY FAMILY. THEY ARE MY HEART WHAT KEEPS ME GOING IN THIS FUCKED UP WORLD. SEE I CAN FALL OVER AND OVER AGAIN BUT I HAVE MY FAMILY TO MAKE SURE I DON’T STAY DOWN TO LONG. I GUESS THAT S WHAT MAKES ME STRONG. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I GET KNOCKED ON MY BUTT AS HARD AS IT IS I ALWAYS GET BACK UP. THEY RELY ON ME TO BE STRONG WHEN STUFF GETS REAL HARD IN OUR FAMILY AND I TRY MY HARDEST TO BE THERE TO BE TGHAT SHOULDER TO LEAN ON. SO YOU SEE WE ALL PLAY A CERTAIN ROLE IN OUR FAMILY, I GUESS THAT’S WHAT MAKES US SO CLOSE WE ALL RELY ON EACH OTHER TO GET US THROUGH THE HARD TIMES AND THEY NEVER FAIL US. I GUESS THAT’S WHY THEY SAY YOU ALWAYS NEED YOUR FAMILY.

TATTOOS

WHAT CAN I SAY I LOVE TATTOOS!!! BUT WHAT ANNOYS ME ARE TATTOO TRENDERS(LOL JUST MADE THAT UP) PEOPLE WHO JUST GET TATTOOS BECAUSE THERE IN STYLE. NOW CALL ME CRAZY BUT TO ME A TATTOO IS AN EXPRESSION OF YOURSELF,SOMETHING THAT HAS A SPECIAL MEANING TO YOU(CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOUR GRAMPS TAT DREA) OR THAT DEFINES YOU CHARACTER(LOVE THE TATS NELLZ). TO ME A TATTOO IS A WAY I'M FEELING AT A CERTAIN TIME OR POINT IN MY LIFE.

MY ROSE-THE FIRST TAT I GOT IT SIGNIFIES LOVE AND THE THORNS FOR HOW MUCH LOVE CAN HURT.
MY SACRED HEART-MY SACRED HEART WITH THE CROSS DAGGER GOING THROUGH SIGNIFIES THAT NO MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE STAB YOU IN THE BACK YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON GOD.

MY ANGELS- THE GOOD ANGEL AND THE BAD ANGEL REPRESENT MY CONSCIENCE THAT INNER BATTLE OF RIGHT AND WRONG.

MY YANKEES-MAY SEEM LIKE A TREND BUT HAS DEEPER MEANING. IT WAS PART OF A BET ME AND LEE HAD BEFORE HE PASSED AWAY. SO I HONORED MY WORD. THE YANKEES WERE ALWAYS ONE OF OUR PASSIONS WE SHARED. BASEBALL IS MY LIFE AND ILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE VERY FIRST GAME I WENT TO WAS AT YANKEE STADIUM.

MY TAURUS-MY ZODIAC IN TRIBAL DEFINES ME AND WHO I AM AS A PERSON. IT IS MY CHARACTER.

MY ROSARY- ANOTHER RELIGIOUS THE CATHOLIC PART OF ME. REPRESENTING MARY AND HER PART IN THE BIBLE.

MY HEART-THIS IS THE ONE THAT MEANS THE MOST TO ME.I PUT THIS ONE ON MY HEART BECAUSE HE'LL ALWAYS HAVE MY HEART. IT HAS THE SAYING TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES(SELF EXPLANATORY) AND A BUTTERFLY FOR HIS SOUL BEING FREE WITH OUR INITIALS. NOW THIS ONE IS ALSO SPECIAL TO ME BECAUSE I HAD SOME OF HIS ASHES PUT INTO IT. ITS MY LITTLE WAY OF KNOWING THAT HE'LL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART.

SO TO ME TATTOOS IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER SHOULD HAVE A MEANING TO YOU MAYBE EVEN A STORY BEHIND FOR YOU. SEE AS SOON AS THAT NEEDLE HITS MY SKIN IT MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE LIKE EVERYTHING INSIDE OF ME IS BEING OPENED TO BE RELEASED EVEN IF TEMPORARILY ITS MY ESCAPE IT ALSO LETS ME KNOW I'M NOT COMPLETELY NUMB I CAN STILL FEEL. A COMBINATION OF PAIN AND PLEASURE TOGETHER I CALL IT MY SILENT EXPRESSION. RANDOM TOPIC BUT I JUST FELT THE NEED TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST DON'T TATTOO A GUYS NAME ON YOU UNLESS ITS FAMILY OR SOMEONE WHOSE PASSED AWAY(AND I'M SURE THERES OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES BUT THOSE ARE THE MAIN ONES). ALL THESE PEOPLE GETTING TATTOOS JUST BECAUSE THEIR STYLISH OR BECAUSE ITS THE COOLEST TATTOO OUT THERE HERE AND NOW. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!! I LOVE TATTOOS AND HEARING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES SO LEAVE ME A COMMENT AND LET ME KNOW ABOUT YOU TATTOOS.

GOODBYES

"I WISH I COULD HAVE SAID GOODBYE". DOES A GOODBYE CHANGE THE HURT AND PAIN YOUR FEELING, DOES IT CHANGE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE NO LONGER HERE. NOW WHEN I LOST MY LOVE I GOT THE CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE THAT MORNING I KISSED HIM ON THE LIPS TOLD HIM I LOVE HIM LIKE I ALWAYS DID, AND SAID GOODBYE. AND OFF TO WORK I WENT. I LOST HIM IN THE SAME DAY AND SOMEHOW SAYING GOODBYE DIDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. I STILL HAVE TO LIVE EVERYDAY WITHOUT HIM. I WOULD KEEP MY GOODBYE IF I COULD KEEP HIM WITH ME. IT MAY GIVE SOME PEOPLE CLOSURE BUT FOR ME IT HURT MORE. WHAT COULD I HAVE SAID DIFFERENT, WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE DIFFERENT. IT JUST REMINDS ME WHEN PEOPLE SAY GOODBYE IT MEANS FOREVER,SO MAYBE IF I SAID SEE YOU LATER HE WOULD STILL BE HERE WITH ME.

NOW SO MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE I'VE HAD TO SAY GOODBYE. GOODBYE TO MY GRANDFATHER AS I HELD HIS HAND AND WATCHED HIM TAKE HIS LAST BREATH. OR GOODBYE TO MY AUNT AS I HUNG UP THE PHONE AND IN THAT SAME NIGHT SHE WAS GONE. OR GOODBYE TO MY LOVE THAT MORNING AND IN THAT SAME NIGHT FIND HIM LYING DEAD IN OUR BED THAT WE SHARED NIGHT AFTER NIGHT. LOSING THESE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID TO THEM. DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO TELL THEM HOW YOU FELT. WHEN I LOOK BACK I DON'T SO MUCH THINK ABOUT WHAT I'VE SAID TO THEM IT SEEMS SO MINIMAL AS TO " DID I SHOW THEM THROUGH MY ACTIONS" EVERYDAY DID I SHOW THEM HOW MUCH I LOVED THEM". THE ANSWER IS YES. I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GET THEM BACK BUT AT LEAST I DO NOT DOUBT THEY KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT THEM. HOW MUCH I CARED ABOUT THEM THROUGH MY ACTIONS, AND NOT SO MUCH MY WORDS. A KISS EVERY MORNING AND NIGHT A SIMPLE PHONE CALL AS A GESTURE TO LET THEM KNOW YOU CARE AND THERE NOT ALONE. ALL LITTLE THINGS THAT WHEN YOU LOOK IN THERE ABSENCE HAVE BECOME SUCH BIG THINGS.

SO IF YOU ASK ME IF GIVEN THE CHANCE WOULD I HAVE SAID GOODBYE, NOT IF IT WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME ANOTHER DAY WITH THEM.

MOVING WITH THE WORLD

I USED TO BE THAT PERSON WHO MOVED WITH THE WORLD, FOLLOWED WHERE IT TOOK ME. I USED TO BE THAT PERSON WHO LIVED IT AND LOVED IT. BUT NOW IT SEEMS AS IF THE WORLD IS MOVING FASTER WITHOUT ME. I AM AT A STANDSTILL BUT EVERYONE ELSE IS MOVING FORWARD. I CAN'T SEEM TO COMPREHEND HOW IT GOT SO AHEAD OF ME. I LOOK AROUND AT PRESENT AND PAST PEOPLE IN MY LIFE MOVING FORWARD, SUCCEEDING, LIVING SUCH HAPPY LIVES. I NEVER USED TO BE THAT PERSON THAT COMPARED MYSELF TO ANYONE OR COMPARED MY ACHIEVEMENTS TO ANYONE ELSE'S, BUT LATELY THATS ALL I'VE BEEN FEELING. I'M WATCHING EVERYONE WALK BY ME SURPASS ME AND I GO TO TAKE THOSE STEPS AND CANT MOVE. ITS LIKE MY LEGS ARE PARALYZED LIKE I FORGOT HOW TO WALK. LIKE A CHILD WHO CAN CRAWL BUT HAS NOT YET LEARNED THAT WALKING WILL GET THEM FURTHER. ALL I WANT IS TO FIND MY LEGS AGAIN TO GET UP OFF THE GROUND AND START WALKING TO THE PATH I WAS ONCE ON. I JUST WANT TO HOLD MY HEAD UP AND FEEL LIKE I USED TO. I'M NOT SAYING THAT I WOULD CHANGE ANYTHING I'VE DONE, ITS JUST I WOULD HAVE KEPT UP WITH THE MOVEMENT OF MY WORLD.

PEOPLE DIE. BUT MEMORIES LAST FOREVER

ITS BEEN A YEAR AND 19 DAYS SINCE I LOST HIM. BUT IT STILL FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY AND IT STILL HURTS SO BAD TO KNOW THAT YOU HAD SOMEONE SO GREAT WHO LOVED YOU WITH EVERYTHING HE HAD, AND TO LOVE THAT PERSON EVEN MORE THEN LIFE ITSELF. SEE I TRUELY BELIEVE IN MY HEART THAT HE WAS MY SOULMATE, AND THAT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER. WE COMPLETED EACH OTHER. I HAD IN MY EYES THE PERFECT LIFE WITH HIM. WE WOULD WAKE UP ON OFF DAYS AND GO FISHNG AND SPEND THAT TIME TALKING ABOUT OUR FEARS OR ANYTHING THAT WAS BOTHERING US AT THAT POINT IN TIME. BUT THE BEST PART WAS WE NEVER JUDGED EACH OTHER NO ONES PROBLEM WAS MORE IMPORTANT THEN THE OTHERS. IT WAS JUST TO HAVE SOMEONE TO VENT TO, TO CONFIDE IN. THEN WE WOULD GO HOME FEELING BETTER TO BE IN THE OPEN AIR AND TO CLEAR OUR MINDS OF ALL OUR TROUBLES. WE ALSO TOOK TIME TO MAKE SURE NO MATTER HOW BUSY OUR SCHEDULE TO COOK A NEW MEAL THAT NEITHER OF US HAD EVER MADE AND DO IT TOGETHER. I MISS THOSE TIMES WHERE I WOULD BE CUTTING VEGETABLES AND HE WOULD WRAP HIS ARMS AROUND ME AND KISS ME AND TELL ME HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME. I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A CHEESY ROMANCE TYPE NOVEL BUT ITS ALL THE MEMORIES I HAVE LEFT TO HOLD ON TO. I MISS SITTING UP ALL NIGHT HOLDING HANDS AND PLAYING SONGS ON YOUTUBE THAT REMINDED US OF EACH OTHER. LOOKING INTO EACH OTHERS EYES AND BELIEVING THAT WITH OUR LOVE THE WORLD COULD NEVER HURT US. HOW NAIVE WE WERE. I STILL CLOSE MY EYES AND SEE HIS FACE SMILING AT ME. GOD I LONG FOR THE DAY WHEN I CAN BE BACK IN HIS ARMS. I WISH GOD WOULD TAKE ME NOW,SO I COULD BE WITH HIM AND NOT HAVE TO FEEL THIS PAIN ANYMORE. I THOUGHT I GOT THROUGH THE WORST PART OF THE DEPRESSION. BUT THE THOUGHT OF BEING WITH HIM BRINGS THEM RIGHT BACK INTO MY HEAD. I SURROUND MYSELF WITH MEMORIES OF HIM A BASEBALL HE GAVE ME BEFORE HE DIED WITH I LOVE YOU AND HIS SIGNATURE ON IT, A PICTURE FRAME WITH HAPPY ANNIVERARY I MADE FOR HIM ON OUR ANNIVERSARY, MOST OF ALL OUR PICTURES SURROUNDING ME IN HOPES THAT I CAN FEEL HIM CLOSER TO ME IN MY HEART. I TALK TO HIM AS IF HES STILL NEXT TO ME LISTENING TO EVERY WORD IM SAYING. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEONE WHO IS SO PERFECT FOR YOU WHO IS THAT MISSING PUZZLE PIECE TO COMPLETE YOU. COULD LEAVE YOUR LIFE IN AN INSTANT. AND I CANT HELP BUT THINK TO MYSELF AM I DESTINED TO BE ALONE AND UNHAPPY. I DONT WANT TO CRY EVERY NIGHT ANYMORE, I DONT WANT TO FEEL LIKE MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING. I JUST WANT TO HOLD HIM AGAIN, TO SEE HIS SMILE ONE LAST TIME. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN. I WANT MY TRUE LOVE TO BE WITH ME PHYSICALLY NO JUST IN MY HEART. I WANT EVERYTHING THAT IS OUT OF MY REACH THE IMPOSSIBLE AND YET I STILL WISH FOR THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY. WHAT I WANT MORE THEN ANYTHING ELSE IS FOR JUST ONE LAST TOUCH KISS FROM HIS LIPS. ONE LAST I LOVE YOU.