TO UNDERSTAND THIS BLOG I'M GOIN TO LET YOU INTO THE INNER MOST PART OF MY MIND. THE HARDEST PART FOR ME IS NOT NECESSARILY THE PHYSICAL STRUGGLES, IT'S THE MENTAL AND LATELY THEY HAVE BEEN BATTLING MY INNER DEMONS. LET ME EXPLAIN. SEE WHEN MY LOVE LEE DIED, I FELT HIM WITH ME. THROUGH A BRUSH ACROSS MY FACE OR A DREAM THAT LET ME KNOW HE WAS STILL WITH ME. MY FAVORATE WAS WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH THE DEPRESSION I FELT LIKE A PRESSURE GOIN UP AND DOWN MY BACK LIKE SOMEONE WAS RUBBING IT, AND I KNEW IT WAS HIM BECAUSE WHENEVER I WAS FEELING BAD OR DOWN HE USED TO ALWAYS RUB MY BACK THE SAME EXACT WAY. NOW I KNOW THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY TO SOME PEOPLE BUT TO ME I HOLD ON TO EVERY LITTLE THING THAT SHOWS ME HES WITH ME. BUT LATELY I DON'T FEEL LIKE HES WITH ME ANYMORE. IT'S LIKE IM REACHING FOR HIM AND HES NOT THERE. TO BE HONEST I THINK APART OF ME IS STILL IN DENIAL. SOMETIMES WHEN I WAKE UP I FORGET THAT HES NOT HERE ANYMORE AND THAT WE JUST HAVEN'T SPOKEN IN A FEW DAYS. AND THEN WHEN I REMEMBER HES GONE I FEEL LIKE SOMEONES CHOKING ME LIKE I CAN'T BREATH, AND THE DEPRESSION COMES BACK THIS CONSTANT SADNESS LIKE WHATS THE POINT OF BREATHING. AND I REALLY WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT IT BUT ITS HARD FOR ME TO OPEN UP ABOUT HOW I'M FEELING? HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN TO SOMEONE ABOUT YOUR INNER STRUGGLE? NOW LET ME BRING YOU TO THE PRESENT WEEK. I HAVE BEEN HAVING HORRIBLE NIGHTMARES THAT I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO SHAKE. I'VE HAD A FEW WHERE LEE'S STILL ALIVE AND WE JUST HAVENT TALKED BUT WHEN WE TALK HES COLD AND DISTANT AND THEN HE GOES MISSING AND IT FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS BREAKING AS I TRY SEARCHING EVERYWHERE TO FIND HIM. AND ALWAYS HES MISSING AND IM CRYING AND IM SO HURT AND DEVASTATED LIKE MY WORLD IS FALLING APART. BUT AS HARD AS IT IS I CAN DEAL WITH THOSE DREAMS. THE ONES THAT MAKE ME SO DEPRESSED ARE THE REOCCURING NIGHTMARES OF THAT NIGHT WALKING IN OUR BEDROOM ALL THE BLOOD PIECES OF HIS BRAIN ON THE BED ON THE WALLS HIM JUST LYING THERE HELPLESS AND I KEEP THINKING HES GOIN TO WAKE UP, THIS CAN'T BE REAL. I WAKE UP EVERYTIME WITH SWEAT DRIPPING OFF OF ME. IF IT WASN'T TRAUMATIC ENOUGH TO SEE IT IN PERSON TO COME HOME TO IT AND WITNESS IT, BUT TO HAVE TO RELIVE THAT EXPERIENCE OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN YOUR DREAMS JUST KILLS ME INSIDE, IT HURTS MORE THEN ANYONE CAN IMAGINE. IT'S LIKE TAKING THE WORST THING IN YOUR LIFE TO EVER HAPPEN TO YOU AND BEING CONSTANTLY REMINDED DAY AFTER DAY. I CAN'T EVEN PUT INTO WORDS HOW BAD IT HURTS ME, BUT ITS HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT SO I'M WRITING IT OUT. FINDING ANYWAY OF COPING FOR MY SANITY FOR MY PEACE OF MIND BUT MOST OF ALL FOR MY LIFE. I JUST WISH I COULD TALK TO HIM ONE LAST TIME. I LONG TO HEAR HIS VOICE TOUCH HIM ONE LAST TIME. WELL IM DRAGGING ON BUT SINCE ITS HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT IT TO ANYONE I'M WRITING IT HOPING THAT ONE DAY IT WILL HEAL AND THE NIGHTMARES WILL STOP. AND THATS WHATS GOING ON IN THE INNER MOST PART OF MY MIND.
Friday, January 23, 2009
THE MENTAL STRUGGLE
TO UNDERSTAND THIS BLOG I'M GOIN TO LET YOU INTO THE INNER MOST PART OF MY MIND. THE HARDEST PART FOR ME IS NOT NECESSARILY THE PHYSICAL STRUGGLES, IT'S THE MENTAL AND LATELY THEY HAVE BEEN BATTLING MY INNER DEMONS. LET ME EXPLAIN. SEE WHEN MY LOVE LEE DIED, I FELT HIM WITH ME. THROUGH A BRUSH ACROSS MY FACE OR A DREAM THAT LET ME KNOW HE WAS STILL WITH ME. MY FAVORATE WAS WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH THE DEPRESSION I FELT LIKE A PRESSURE GOIN UP AND DOWN MY BACK LIKE SOMEONE WAS RUBBING IT, AND I KNEW IT WAS HIM BECAUSE WHENEVER I WAS FEELING BAD OR DOWN HE USED TO ALWAYS RUB MY BACK THE SAME EXACT WAY. NOW I KNOW THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY TO SOME PEOPLE BUT TO ME I HOLD ON TO EVERY LITTLE THING THAT SHOWS ME HES WITH ME. BUT LATELY I DON'T FEEL LIKE HES WITH ME ANYMORE. IT'S LIKE IM REACHING FOR HIM AND HES NOT THERE. TO BE HONEST I THINK APART OF ME IS STILL IN DENIAL. SOMETIMES WHEN I WAKE UP I FORGET THAT HES NOT HERE ANYMORE AND THAT WE JUST HAVEN'T SPOKEN IN A FEW DAYS. AND THEN WHEN I REMEMBER HES GONE I FEEL LIKE SOMEONES CHOKING ME LIKE I CAN'T BREATH, AND THE DEPRESSION COMES BACK THIS CONSTANT SADNESS LIKE WHATS THE POINT OF BREATHING. AND I REALLY WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT IT BUT ITS HARD FOR ME TO OPEN UP ABOUT HOW I'M FEELING? HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN TO SOMEONE ABOUT YOUR INNER STRUGGLE? NOW LET ME BRING YOU TO THE PRESENT WEEK. I HAVE BEEN HAVING HORRIBLE NIGHTMARES THAT I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO SHAKE. I'VE HAD A FEW WHERE LEE'S STILL ALIVE AND WE JUST HAVENT TALKED BUT WHEN WE TALK HES COLD AND DISTANT AND THEN HE GOES MISSING AND IT FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS BREAKING AS I TRY SEARCHING EVERYWHERE TO FIND HIM. AND ALWAYS HES MISSING AND IM CRYING AND IM SO HURT AND DEVASTATED LIKE MY WORLD IS FALLING APART. BUT AS HARD AS IT IS I CAN DEAL WITH THOSE DREAMS. THE ONES THAT MAKE ME SO DEPRESSED ARE THE REOCCURING NIGHTMARES OF THAT NIGHT WALKING IN OUR BEDROOM ALL THE BLOOD PIECES OF HIS BRAIN ON THE BED ON THE WALLS HIM JUST LYING THERE HELPLESS AND I KEEP THINKING HES GOIN TO WAKE UP, THIS CAN'T BE REAL. I WAKE UP EVERYTIME WITH SWEAT DRIPPING OFF OF ME. IF IT WASN'T TRAUMATIC ENOUGH TO SEE IT IN PERSON TO COME HOME TO IT AND WITNESS IT, BUT TO HAVE TO RELIVE THAT EXPERIENCE OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN YOUR DREAMS JUST KILLS ME INSIDE, IT HURTS MORE THEN ANYONE CAN IMAGINE. IT'S LIKE TAKING THE WORST THING IN YOUR LIFE TO EVER HAPPEN TO YOU AND BEING CONSTANTLY REMINDED DAY AFTER DAY. I CAN'T EVEN PUT INTO WORDS HOW BAD IT HURTS ME, BUT ITS HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT SO I'M WRITING IT OUT. FINDING ANYWAY OF COPING FOR MY SANITY FOR MY PEACE OF MIND BUT MOST OF ALL FOR MY LIFE. I JUST WISH I COULD TALK TO HIM ONE LAST TIME. I LONG TO HEAR HIS VOICE TOUCH HIM ONE LAST TIME. WELL IM DRAGGING ON BUT SINCE ITS HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT IT TO ANYONE I'M WRITING IT HOPING THAT ONE DAY IT WILL HEAL AND THE NIGHTMARES WILL STOP. AND THATS WHATS GOING ON IN THE INNER MOST PART OF MY MIND.
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